I Me Mine

It was bound to happen sooner or later, I'm getting married. My life in a year has totally and drastically changed. For the better? Yes definitely. I'm 26, I've got a pretty good job and I'm with the man I love and I'm learning how to play the bass, what could be worse than that. Though the fact that I'm marrying the guy I called Trouble for 3 years is a bit funny.

There was a reason I called him Trouble. His blue eyes, the blonde hair, the way his mouth kinda always looks like he's smiling... I could go on but I don't want to make anyone nauseous. He's nice, smart, funny and not really too insane. He plays a shitload of instruments and he's got a cat named Steve.

All thru' the day I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.
All thru' the night I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.

I wouldn't be me, if I couldn't find some problem in my life. I really try not to but there is always something in me that nags that just gets to me, its probably because I'm crazy. Trouble is a musician. As in that's all he does, which is great. Being with someone who gets to do something that they love so much is great. And he doesn't suck which is also a bonus.

Downside (what you knew it was coming), I get to go with him on just about damn near every gig he plays. From the children's rock band he's in, to the dixieland-esque band he plays in too. I'm at every show. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the music, but I'm starting to feel a little like Yoko Ono here.

Now they're frightened of leaving it, Ev'ryone's weaving it, Coming on strong all the time. All thru' the day I me mine.

I remember days of sitting in my underwear, geekeing out and watching terrible shows. ITs been forever since I've watched anything on abc.com. Now I kinda just sit in my underwear and compromise about what to watch online. I'm not annoyed about this, I'm annoyed about another occorance which is driving me a little insane.

I-I me-me mine, I-I me-me mine, I-I me-me mine, I-I me-me mine.
All I can hear I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.

Chris wants to be around me all the time. Which is great, I can't stand being apart from him. But when I make a suggestion of "Hey, let's go on a vacation." Its hard because he doesn't want to take off Sunday (his only work day). Instead, I should take off a workweek. How the hell does that make sense.

Since this vacation talk has begun, he's taken off a few Sundays, btw. I just want one stinking weekend out of the city. Is that really too much to ask.

Even those tears I me mine, I me mine, I me mine. No-one's frightened of playing it, ev'ryone's saying it. Flowing more freely than wine, All thru' the day I me mine.

I'd be fine with this and would kindly just go somewhere with my new friends and coworkers, but you know, he'd miss me too much. Eh. This point was valid til you started taking days off for everyone else. This is mostly coming to a head because of last night.

His birthday is coming up and I've been trying to find a date when he isn't working at night so we can do something together, but he keeps setting up dates, even though I asked him to keep one free. You can understand my annoyance. If I'm working 5 days a week and he works Sundays, then, we get one full day together.

STOP GIVING AWAY MY FREAKING SATURDAY!

Don't tell me you can't take a Sunday off and then 3 hours later, tell your band mates you can. Jesus H. Christ.

I'm also tired of seeing boobs I'm not going to get to touch. You can only go to so many burlesque shows before you're just over it (as a girl; guys never get tired of that shit).

I'm just tired. I am really happy this is my only problem and I need a vacation. STAT!

All thru' your life I me mine.

Timberwolves at New Jersey

Get up, get up
Come on, come on, lets go
There’s just a few things
I think that you should know
Those words at best
Were worse than teenage poetry
Fragment ideas
And too many pronouns

Its kind of what I feel like my life has been over the last year. What a year its been. So many ups and so many more downs. My life as a potential for a Lifetime Network movie has ended. Ian and I broke up in December. This breakup, unlike our previous ones, ended on an amicable note. But this breakup, like all the others we've had, ended terribly.

There's something in my nature that just naturally trusts people. I'm not gullible, I just like to believe that people are a lot nicer than they really are. I like to think that people can change. But then I learned that even as people change, they still hold on to things from there past and as years, months, and days go by, your past adds up and sometimes things are just so overwhelming that they leave you at a standstill.

I finally see the relationship for what it was. It was emotionally and mentally abusive on both our parts. We'd done so much to each other in the past that even attempting to carry on a future together as much as we thought we could was impossible.

Stop it, come on
You’re not making sense now

Words uttered way too many times. It can really start driving you mad if you let it. And I had to stop letting it drive me mad. I wasn't the same person I used to be. It was such a drastic change in trying to change to make someone else happy that I just started to feel lost. Its not really reinvention if you don't feel so great about it.

Stop it, come on
You know I can’t help it
I got the mic
And you got the mosh pit
What will it take
To make you admit that you were wrong?
Was his demise so carefully constructed?
Well let’s just say I got what I wanted
Cause in the end it’s always the same (it's justified!)

So in the end we broke up with each other and started dating again. Quickly. We can't stand to be alone. Someone would argue that one should be comfortable being alone before attempting to be in a relationship. But think of it this way, you're making yourself be alone so you can be with someone else. Why not just be with someone else as long as you enjoy their company and they make you happy. This was obviously easier for me than it was for him.

This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue
And my eye through the scope
Down the barrel of a gun (gun,gun)
Remind me not to ever act this way again
This is you trying hard to
Make sure that you’re seen
With a girl on your arm
And your heart on your sleeve
Remind me not to ever think of you again
This is me with the words
On the tip of my tongue
And my eye through the scope
Down the barrel of a gun
Remind me not to ever act this way again (again)
Again (again)
This is me with the words
On the tip of my tongue
And my eye on the scope
Down the barrel of a gun
I’ll never act this way again

And so now for the first time, I'm unequivocally happy. I feel like I'm living my life for me. Not for anyone else. And if there is someone else to live life for, then that's just great. I can think back upon this year and realize that there was always a problem, something wrong, something to fix. For the first time ever, everything is fine. So you Ian can continue to date the 23 year old with glasses, and live a life knowing that she's not me, no one is as awesome as me and you dicked yourself over. Dick.

Rest the weight (I know something that you don’t know)
You’ve had your chance and folded
So hold your breath because you’ll only make things worse!

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Now playing: Django Reinhardt - Cou-Cou
via FoxyTunes

Pretty Pathetic

"You should have heard me sobbing/As I drove home that night/Got into bed and stayed there/For days I just laid there/Having been permanently changed/But we won't get into that now/Let's take it from the start"

This is the image I have of the last night I saw my ex-bf, though it was kind of the other way around. Well I'm not so sure. I need to explain things so they make some sort of sense. I've been trying to, but the words haven't been coming out right and I need to explain it, because I just do.

"You should have seen me smiling/Like the world was mine/She used to call me baby/Softly, sometimes/But if I dwell on those days too long/I feel like my life is over/And that's no good/So let's move on"

I know he's moved on, and I have too. I'd like to think that in this moving on, he would have I don't know, discontinued talking to my "friends". I think this is what's bothering me the most. My supposed friends justify this with "but he helped me" or "but he's nice". Honestly, he really isn't.

I had an overwhelming guilt over what happened. I mean I did cheat on him. No one should ever have to go through that. No one deserves that. I'm not justifying what I did. I was confused and felt like I was missing out on something. On what, I don't know. I think I just watched too much TV as a child. But I'm working on everything and I'm becoming a better person for it.

I won't say the same for what I feel now are some of my former friends. In the past few months only 3 of my friends that I thought were real friends reached out to make sure I was ok, you know, like a friend does. The rest, well... you'd have to ask my ex.

"To the part where I begin to sense/Her distance/I panic and hold on tighter/But that makes it worse/How am I supposed to take it/When she said: "This is something I'm going through,It's got nothing to do with you"

The first time we broke up or took a break, I really did tell him that. I freaked out, everything became overwhelming. There was this great pressure. Nothing felt really stable.

"A love as strong as ours/Doesn't just go away/You can't just turn it off/Unless she was lying all those times/But I don't think so/I really don't think so/The way she used to look at me"

It doesn't go away, but it changes, its something different, regret I think. A sadness. Confusion. There are things I did but I'll never understand why he did some of the things he did. Maybe they were a reaction to what I did. Probably. Its weird when you love more than one person at the same time. And yes it is possible and its confusing and once you "work through it" someone is going to be hurt. Apparently not hurt enough not to talk to my friends and oh I'm sorry invite them over... really... really... I'm hurt and I don't think I can ever forgive them.

"I must have sounded pretty pathetic, I know/That's why I don't blame her for what she said/But listen to me rambling/I hope I haven't put you off/I have a tendency to do that"

And I'm done. I'm starting something new I guess. A life with my boyfriend who I love dearly. A life filled with family and the few friends that throughout it all, have always been my true friends. And honesty. That's the most important thing.


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Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - Pretty Pathetic
via FoxyTunes

Nothing Has (had) Changed

As stated in my past blog Gay Bar my now ex-bf the lawyer, always had a problem admitting sexual things in our relationship. Now I realize that yes, he loved me but what I'm starting to realize is that our relationship was built on hiding things because if the other found out, we'd just be moping. Which is what happened toward the end. We were both just miserable.

He was insecure about everything that'd happened over the last few months, I was just getting more and more annoyed at the fact that he kept taking me for granted. And that porn thing really bugged me. Not to mention that one time I caught him on craigslist.

This isn't a blog meant to bash him, I wasn't the most innocent person in the world, that's for sure, but he treated himself like a martyr and I'm sure he still is and he treated our relationship like a deal negotiation and I just don't think that's the way to treat someone you love.

So I've gotten back together with the ranger for the 20th time, and I've never been happier or more content than I am now. When you can actually go into a relationship (again) but with no secrets, nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, knowing that the person your with loves you completely, may be the best feeling ever.


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Now playing: Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer
via FoxyTunes

Dirty Little Secret

"Let me know that I've done wrong. When I've known this all along. I go around a time or two, Just to waste my time with you."

I'm not sure what part of my brain thinks its ok. But there's a part of my brain that thinks its ok. I would like to believe that I am better than this but I'm not. If I told you I was better than this than I'd be lying.

I'd like to truly believe that there are people in the world that are above this, I don't think there are. I think that everyone has they're downfall. Maybe you know yours, maybe you haven't found it yet. Hopefully, you never find it. Maybe it isn't something too serious. Maybe its something so monumental it just fucks it all up. Who knows? I hope you do.

"Tell me all that you've thrown away. Find out games you don't wanna play"

Accidental meetings lead to emails. Lots of emails. Scrabbulous games played together. Scramble games played together. More emails exchanged. Just trying to make sense of what happened. Why it happened. No attempt to fix what went wrong. Just trying to make sure it never happens again. Of course its going to happen again. You can only change so much but you can't change who you are deep inside.

"You are the only one that needs to know"

Lunch? Sure. I'm being lied to about little things that don't make sense to me. I'm trying hard to get it all together and things just aren't adding up.

Things were civil. Almost brief. Somehow we end up back at his place. Don't worry nothing happened. He's living with his psychotic ex(well I guess its no long past tense) girlfriend. Even I'm not that bad. Not much is said, but that's the way it always was. When something was said, we were still trying to understand it all. We were somehow friends again, but all the hurt that happened before, it needed to be erased.

I left, walked across the only bridge I can walk across, and went back. I didn't feel bad. Should I feel bad. Nothing happened. Emails lead to text messages. More hanging. Text messages lead to phone calls. Longer phone calls. Understanding. No one gets it the way you do. No one gets it the way I do. Something is coming together. Realizing why you things and why things are now for the best. At least for now.

Is this all making sense to you? Because every time I think I get it, something falls out of place.

"Tell me all that you've thrown away. Find out games you don't wanna play"

Some how after we've fucked it all up. It makes so much more sense to me. There are still things I don't get. Things I don't want to ask you. The things I need to ask you but if I knew the answer to, I don't think I could handle. I'm fragile now. Breaking down more and more each day. A former shell of myself. I think you are to. In the great attempt to better yourself, you become less and less of yourself. But can you really ever escape yourself. Its a paradox I guess. This whole blog is a paradox and I'm just tired of being disappointed. Maybe I'll share this one with you. I know I can't share the others. Who knows.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret. Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret (Just another regret, hope that you can keep it). Who has to know?"

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Now playing: Radiohead - Everything In Its Right Place
via FoxyTunes

Gay Bar/ A Year in the Past, Forever in the Future

"You! I wanna take you to a gay bar"

In life there aren't many things that I'm open with. But the things that I'm open with I don't see as a big deal. That being said, my boyfriends problem with admitting he watches porn is beginning to become a worrisome issue for me. I mean, he won't admit to watching it at all as if watching porn is the ultimate sin and he's going to hell (which would be impossible because he's Jewish anyway). If anything, I should be worried. When it comes to watching porn, I really just don't see the problem in it as opposed to the obvious problem my boyfriend has, yet won't admit.

Its something that I'm just going to have to deal with personally I guess(?).

Anyway, I've been having these really strange dreams about girl-girl orgies. Which I wouldn't normally bring up but I've been seeing a therapist (ok I saw him once-pretty cute in a Dr. Drew sort of way too) and it leads me to believe (after my one semester of psychology) that I have some underlying sexual issues.

However, I think that's pretty unlikely considering all the stuff I've done from ages 18-24 wouldn't make me sexually repressed or give me any underlying sexual issues. Needless to say I have no desire to hook up with a girl (or girls for that matter). Or participate in any girl-girl orgies.

"Those summer days that I longed for never really were what I wanted them to be."

I read the old blog and I forgot about my old self. I was a lot different than I am now. Less domesticated I guess. The slow progression of a person is something that the person doesn't notice to much unless they have something to reflect upon. I went from a party girl who attempted to disconnect herself from everything to someone trying not to fuck it all up. And somewhere in between, I've found a moderate balance for the most part, but I'm sure something is going to change soon.

"This is a time in my life where everything is falling apart, and at the same time it's all coming together. "
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Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - Overkill
via FoxyTunes

Number Five With A Bullet

"Spend the night late listening to my steadfast -- said that makes you wanna fall in love, or be smart enough to keep your distance, you cant decide, you cant decide..."

A confession. Well less of a confession and more of a declaration to my confusion. I ran into him a few weeks ago. I was shopping in Union Square one afternoon. Tuesday I think. Maybe Friday, after a while the dates become a blur. But I was sitting in Union Square Park, in some strange attempt to remember what younger me enjoyed so much about just sitting here, watching everyone, writing and just enjoying life as much as she could.

Not too much changed in my life until this year when all parties involved decided to step it up. Though I think that was about the time when my processing level decided to slow down and I went from 'unable to communicate' to slightly 'emotional unavailable' as one of my dear friends put it. Becoming emotionally unavailable can be a relationship killer, but I think its even worse when you don't realize that you're doing it.

May 2003-We met, we began dating.

Dec 2007-He faked his death for the second time.

Feb 2008- He ended up in front of me on an elevator going to DSW in search of shoes.

Which was shocking. Not for me, but for him. He knows how much I hate shopping and hold on to the love of my green pumas, and while the last few pair of shoes I've owned have been pumas, its a mere coincidence. The conversation was civil, there was no anger, there was no fear. It was strange, but it wasn't.

"Besides did you ever stop to think that we can keep this up living like thieves (but you cant decide) you cant decide (no you cant decide) well you cant decide..."

After it all, I guess I forgave him and he forgave me. There is a lot between us that isn't resolved and I don't know if it'll ever be. And I don't know if that if we never resolve what happened months ago, if all this moving forward is pointless because as available as you can make yourself seem, you can only put so much into it.

There's still going to be a part of you that isn't ever going to be available. Not until you let it and its hard to let it if you can't resolve it. One day.

"Are you positive? Absolutely sure? Are you positive?"

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Now playing: Taking Back Sunday - Number Five With A Bullet
via FoxyTunes

The Sign(s)

I haven't written anything new in this blog since August. I've started writing things several times but they just didn't seem right. In the second part of last year I have broken hearts, had part of mine broken and got it all back together again.

In the second half of last year, I broke up with the lawyer, got back with the Ranger full time. When things were good, they were great. They were calm and relaxed. Never forced, never awkward, always honest. The feeling that you get when you can be yourself knowing that you won't be judged may be the very best feeling that one can have when dealing with a significant other. Then, as quickly as things became good, things became bad.

There was always this overshadowing layer of mistrust, which I let go of, but I guess he didn't. So, he began to see a therapist who told him he was bipolar and he felt the need to blame this on me. Sign #1. On his birthday, he kind of snapped, and I ended things with him. That was in October.

Over the next few weeks he would call me full of regret. I'd ignore his calls and his texts, but I'd save them, just in case he snapped again. Sign #2. For a while it was fine and I decided to see him again, mostly because you can't stop caring about someone that you've been with for 4 years, but also, I can't help but make sure that he's ok. I don't know why I feel its my personal responsibility to make sure he'll be fine, but I feel like it is.

Unfortunately, he snapped again, this time deciding to make my life a living hell. Over the next month after that (Dec) he faked his death. Not once twice. The second time through me off guard because he got his friend to call me and text me to let me know that he did it. Though dead men don't check their facebook pages. Maybe their myspace, but never their facebooks.

Its a new year that's already driving me insane. Maybe the Ranger wasn't alone after all.

"I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes"

Declare Independence

There are lots of things in life that disturb me. Children over the age of 4 in strollers. Nannies who watch children but can't speak a word of English. That guy that stands on the corner in the morning on my way to work with a green towel wrapped around his head. Nothing disturbs me more though, than my OC cleaning at work and the mess I leave me room in.

I used to think that my room reflected my moods but then I realized I just mostly lacked the motivation to keep it all together. Also, I just have a lot of crap. Like a lot. Even when I get rid of things, there's just more stuff to come and take its place. I stare into my closet. A pile of clothes (which I need to start washing in about 15 mins) fill up my closet. I'd like to think If I didn't have those clothes in there, I'd have my room for other things, though I know I'd just find more crap to occupy the space that my clothes no longer filled.

My floor is lined with books and shoes and a random array of stuffed animals from my childhood. I also need new bedsheets.

I recently decided not to stay with one of the departments that I worked with for about seven years. I must say it was truly a great experience letting go. I have this new found freedom and once I get back from my vacation I'll also have weekends off. Well after 11am on Saturday. I haven't had weekends off in seven years. I'm so excited by this concept I can't even begin to tell you.

"Declare independence!
With a flag and a trumpet
Go to the top of your highest mountain!
And raise your flag! (Higher, higher!)
Declare independence!
Raise the flag!"

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Now playing: Björk - Declare Independence
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